I don’t cry anymore and the pain gets less and less with each day that I hold my head high, trusting in God and believing that He is my source of strength. I am a single mother to a beautiful young girl aged 2. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 3 years; he was my high school sweetheart. We had made plans to get married after we graduated from college but when I got pregnant in my first year we decided to fast track our plans and get married right away. We loved each other and there was no doubt that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. It was just happening much sooner than we thought but that was alright.
He made plans to travel to his rural home to inform the elders of his plans to pay roora/lobola (bride price) and to inform them that we were already expecting a child and so payments needed to be arranged timeously. Closer to the set date of his travel he started to hesitate and give excuses for wanting to postpone the trip. At first he said he had assignments due the following week, then said he was worried that they would not raise enough money to pay the bride price and after that he said he had a bad feeling about the trip. I was confused, angry and disappointed because I thought he was having second thoughts about the marriage but did not know how to tell me. Eventually he decided to go, to prove to me that he did love me, but I was not prepared for what was to follow. The commuter omnibus they were traveling in burst a wheel, veered off the road and smashed into a tree. He died on the spot!
I was in denial when I got the news. I didn’t even give him a proper goodbye because I was upset that he seemed not to want to go. I greeted his uncle with joy thinking he had come back with my soon to be husband in order to make concrete plans and yet he was bringing tragic news, basically telling me that all our plans were going to be buried in 3 days. I cried bitterly, I was so consumed with pain that I got very ill and was admitted into hospital for weeks for my sake and the sake of our child. He never even got to feel her kick or hold her. My pregnancy was a painful reminder of true love lost without warning or explanation. People tried to comfort me by saying that the baby would give me a chance to carry a piece of him in my heart forever but the thought of living without him, the pain of losing him made me want to forget him. To forget the beautiful memories. It just hurt even more to think that they would only be memories.
I contemplated abortion, although illegal and against my beliefs, because the reminder was too painful. I cried every single day! I decided to carry her to full term then find a family who had been struggling to have a child and give her away. I just wanted to forget. I actually knew a couple in our church who had been trying to conceive for 5 years with no luck. I approached them and told them of my situation and they were very happy to adopt my child once she was born. They actually paid for the remainder of my antenantal visits and scans as I could not afford to attend them all and had missed some. They even booked me into a private hospital for the delivery and bought all the clothes for preparation which was again a welcome relief. The feelings of bitterness towards my child because of the pain she reminded me of started to fade as I began to look at myself as carrying a blessing for a family that so desperately needed it. It felt good because I felt like I was doing them a huge favor.
Time passed and I began to speak to her and to actually enjoy when she kicked and moved around. I would tell her that everything would be ok and that she was going to a family that would love her very much. A month before my due date of delivery, the couple contacted me and said that they wanted to meet. I thought they wanted to check on our health and make last minute arrangements but that was not the case. They had just found out that the wife was 6 weeks pregnant! They no longer wanted to adopt my child. I was back to having to keep this reminder in my life but this time, it didn’t hurt. I wasn’t angry or disappointed. I accepted the news with joy actually and a glimmer of hope as I had begun to bond with my baby. The couple told me that I could keep all the goodies they had bought and that I could still give birth at the hospital they had booked despite the change of plans.
2 weeks later I was lying in a fancy hospital with a beautiful angel in my arms. I guess she was too excited to join me so she decided to come early. I kept thinking, “Jehovah is this me, receiving quality treatment and this amazing blessing?” none of which I paid for. I instantly fell in love with my healthy and gorgeous little perfect angel. She is 3 years old now and though I miss her father dearly and wish he was around to watch her grow, I know he is smiling down on us. My mother helps me a lot by watching over her during the day and I have gone back to college to finish my studies and prepare to build a better life for me and my little girl. I thank God for her life every single day and I continue to trust that God is leading us to a brighter future!
Writing this article has actually provided the outlet I have longed for over the past 3 years. I hope that my story encourages other single moms out there also playing the dad role not to give up. Do your best to provide a safe and complete home for your little ones. God has an amazing plan for us all.
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